In the midst of the busyness of life, in the midst of the incessant blur that surrounds us as a constant reminder that time stops for no one, in the midst of the eyes of the people I pass who are trapped in their past, in the midst of the silent cries of so many lives… In the midst of it all, I feel myself running on an invisible race track. Running from what, you ask? Running from life, I suppose. Running from the chaos that always invites itself in. But then there is another me, detached from it all, sitting alone, silent… staring into an abyss.
An abyss of nothingness.
Nothingness only because it is an ocean of things that are yet to happen, dreams that are yet to unfold, races that are yet to be run, lives that are yet to be taken, tragedies that are yet to break our hearts, happiness that is yet to be felt, sadness that is yet to attack.
All my life, I have had many people tell me that I’m a brave, strong, level headed person. And I think I am.
But such an ocean of unknowns threatens to tear down every shred of bravery I ever thought I possessed. It has grown into such a perfect fear that the inward tremble that I feel at every moment from its incessant presence in my life has sort of become a part of me. It seems that every day the temptation to give up and give in becomes even sweeter than it did the day before.
How does one begin to take down the monster that has only grown larger and larger as the years have gone by?
You don’t; it is not possible.
On my own, it is not. Only with an Almighty, All-knowing, All powerful, All present, All omniscient Savior, it is.
There is a stereotype that floats around the world that makes people believe that once Christ finds you, all the demons you once fought just automatically crumble to powder and disappear into nothingness, never to haunt you again. And this is true, to a certain extent.
When Christ found me, there were parts of myself that I had fought to kill all of my life, chains that I had tried to break free from for what seemed like an eternity, that did crumble to powder and disappear into nothingness, never to haunt me again.
But there were other parts of me that decided to stay that day, but that was also the day that Jesus promised me that I wouldn’t have to fight on my own anymore. Yes, those parts of me that I still hate with everything in me still reside within my soul to this day…. But I have a Warrior beside me who is willing to step in and fight the battles that are too large for me to face. And every day, though it is impossibly microscopic, those demons inside of me do shrink a little bit. They lose some of their fight, some of their power. It will be a journey that I will walk for the rest of my life, a race that I will always run, a battle that I will always fight… But with a Savior who will always stay.
Though that vast ocean of unknowns in front of me threatens to overtake me and steal my last breath, there is an even larger ocean of constant assurances, built by the One and Only thing in my life that is constant… and this ocean will someday drain every drop out of my ocean of unknowns and turn it into an empty, dry, wasteland of failed attempts at taking away from me that which is most precious: my faith in a constant, all knowing, inconceivably loving, impossibly forgiving, and a stronger than strong warrior who is the Savior of my heart– though my heart may struggle, stumble and fail more than half of the time.
It is my faith in a perfect Savior that will someday destroy the power that my demons have over me, and it is my faith in Him that keeps me breathing, putting one foot in front of the other, running the race, and facing each day with a smile.. because it is His strength that surges through me, and not my own.