All day today I was walking around with this image in my head that I couldn’t quite discern. I saw shapes and colors but thats all it was. A mix of colors and thoughts and feelings all jumbled up in a pile. As the hours went on, it began to take root and make more sense. I started to see it. I couldn’t wait to run home to my computer so I could make it come to life while it was there in my head. This was the end result.
Here’s a little back story.
Lately I have been pondering the kindness of Jesus. The way His heart loves the world. The way His heart loves me. I have been pondering the sweetness of His soul. The mercies of His heart that outweigh my brokenness. I have been pondering His grace in my life. How He has never left me in my mess. How He has never deserted me in my lostness. How He still showers me with blessings even when I have fallen away from Him. How He still rescues me from myself even when I choose to serve my soul instead of His. I have been pondering the vastness of His forgiveness. When I stand at the edge of the ocean of my sin, I am overwhelmed to the point of giving up. But then I breathe another breath that was given by Him and I remember that when He looks at me, He doesn’t see all the filth that I see. Not because of anything that I have done, but because His love for me outweighed the sin of my heart. I have been remembering the person I was before Jesus found me. I have been remembering the darkness I used to know. I have been remembering all the hopeless nights that I spent lying on my bedroom floor, begging God to prove to me that life was worth living. Begging Him to tell me why pain existed. Begging Him to take it away. I remember the hopelessness and the suffocating hurt that I held in my heart. I remember that nothing felt good or happy. Everything was dark and broken. I believed in God, I just didn’t believe that He could save me from this hell that I lived in. I lived that way every single day for 13 years. And then Jesus found me. I was rescued. I was loved. I was happy. He scooped me up and promised to hold onto me for eternity. And for the first time, I believed Him. I believed in light and love and hope. I believed in joy, because for the first time in my life, I felt its warmness. I believed in healing, because the pain wasn’t suffocating me anymore. I believed in forgiveness, because I knew the deepness of my sin, along with the deepness of His love. I remember that night better than any other I have ever experienced. I remember it because it was the happiest I have ever been. I felt weightless. I felt free. I became a different person that night. Its amazing what will happen to a person when they simply believe in the love of Jesus. This past year (2014) I made a lot of mistakes. Some I desperately wish I could take back. But then I remember the God that I love. And I am comforted. Because I know without a shadow of a doubt that He is capable of healing my deepest hurts and cleaning up my messiest messes. He did change my life all those years ago, after all.
I’m a mess, this is for sure. But I am Jesus’ mess. And I wouldn’t want to have anyone else to help guide me through this thing called life.
“Amazing grace! How sweet the sound
That saved a wretch like me!
I once was lost, but now am found;
Was blind, but now I see.
’Twas grace that taught my heart to fear,
And grace my fears relieved;
How precious did that grace appear
The hour I first believed.”