Do you ever have those days when you are deeply sad for no reason at all? Days where life just feels dark and cold and you can’t figure out why? Its almost as if every past regret I’ve ever had, every heart break I’ve ever experienced, every earth shatteringly painful day that I have every gone through all got together and set aside certain days throughout the year to creep back in and take a front row seat in my mind. They mockingly whisper in my ear all the things I did wrong, all the people I hurt, all the pain that others inflicted on me. They tell me I haven’t changed, I haven’t moved forward. That I am still that same person.
Outwardly, no one would ever guess that there is an ongoing war raging inside of me. I guess I have become exceptionally good at hiding it, especially on days like these. The truth is, for the most part I am a very happy person. I find my joy in Christ, even when life beats the living daylights out of me. I love the people that God has given me and I enjoy the beautiful simplicities that I often find in life, even when my life is anything but simple. I love Jesus and the fact that His word always brings my world back into perspective.
But I definitely have my bad days. My sad days as well. Don’t we all? Life is so impossibly hard sometimes. Hearts are so easily broken. Dreams are so fragile. Satisfaction is so fleeting. It’s humanly impossible to go through life and not come across days where all we want to do is give up and never care about anyone or anything ever again. Because it just hurts so bad to care sometimes. I’ve had times where I have given my heart to someone and then had to spend months piecing it back together, all the while helplessly watching as my fear of ever letting someone in again became bigger than myself.
I used to think it was the most sinful thing in the world to have a bad day for no reason at all. I used to think that if I had those, then I was simply an ungrateful brat who didn’t understand the true sadnesses of life the way others in this world do. I became the ultimate pretender. But I’ve learned to embrace my brokenness and vulnerability, because I am just so tired of pretending. I don’t know why I’m sad today. Maybe its just a culmination of all the pains of my past coming back to haunt me. Maybe its because I took too good of a look at the world around me this morning and the lostness of it all broke my heart a little. Who knows. All I know is that tomorrow is a new day. And joy always comes in the morning.
Peace out, my peeps. I hope you’re having a beautiful day full of happy things that bring you joy:)