Lately I have been wrestling with the idea of God’s will. Or rather, I have been in an all out brawl with it, getting bloodied and bruised, confused and bemused, tossed and turned, put in my place.
For quite some time I was convinced that I had my life all planned out. We’re talkin’, down to the last freaking detail.
Then one morning I woke up and I wasn’t so sure anymore. Then I woke up the next morning, and I wasn’t sure at all.
Here I am one minute, positive I am going to go to Bible school for the next 2-4 years and get a degree in Bible, and then the next, I am feeling God tug my heart toward packing my bags and going on mission trips for the next 2 years. Like, what?
Confusion doesn’t even begin to explain the state I’ve been in.
I’ve been losing sleep, eating less, worrying myself sick about how I am going to conquer this mountain called life– how I am going to pick only one of the dreams that are overwhelming my heart, how I am going to dampen all of these passions, how I am going to find that one “area” in which I am meant to dedicate my life to serving God.
Jeesh. Its enough to make a persons brain turn to soup.
Most people who know me well, know that when I get to this point of stress, I often put on my running shoes and I just run and run and run, until it feels as if my lungs have caught on fire–its the only thing that seems to bring order. So I have done that almost everyday for the past two weeks.
Then last night I went for a run after dark (something I have never done before) and I came to a city landscape filled with twinkling lights, and everything was silent. I sat on the pavement, catching my breath, and asking God “Where do you want me to go? How can I best serve you?”
And it hit me.
I cannot step outside of the will that God has for my life. It is impenetrable, untouchable, unmovable, unchangeable. If I had the power to change the will of God by simply making a “wrong” decision, then that makes me more powerful than God. And that is the most impossible thing under the sun. Why will His plan unfold anyway? Because God’s will for us is that we would bring Him glory. That we would desire Him, that we would come to know His heart and want to please it.
No matter where I go in life, no matter what I do, no matter what decisions I make, as long as He is getting the glory… Then His will is being done.
There is no point in me twiddling my thumbs raw, pacing a hole into the rug, or losing sleep over something that my Almighty Father has already figured out.
Jeesh. I wish I had thought of that sooner.
Go in peace and know that His greatest desire is that He would be our greatest desire.
I’m gonna be just fine.