Blank Canvas

The outside will only crumble.

The outside will only crumble.

As odd as they may seem, these words have been running through my head constantly as of late.

To me, these words are a reminder to focus less on the outer exterior of life, but rather to focus on the inner exterior.

I won’t lie. Actually, I will be completely honest.

As a human being, I am obsessed with how my life looks on the outside. It takes up probably 90% of my thoughts throughout the day. How screwed up is that? Yet it happens. So much. And I completely hate it. But have you ever noticed that humans run full force toward the thing that hurts rather than running toward the Healer? Some days, I feel as if this is a disease that has taken me over. A plague that I will never heal from. A vice that is killing me. Then I take a step back and realize that it is. It is killing me. I see the monster of my sin, and I run, I hide, I tell her to go away, I act as if she is not there. But she is. I am sick with sin. Sick with self exaltation, self loathing, self loving, self changing, self glorifying… Self, self, self. Notice a pattern? All too often, I am my first priority. Me, me, me. I, I, I.

I focus on how my life looks on the outside… When the outside will only crumble. It will only crumble. I am trying to fix a mess that will only crumble in the end. It holds no promise of eternity. Sure, it tells me all the time that it has the ability to make me happy and whole. But it doesn’t. Its just a big fat liar.

This beautiful life was given to me; this gorgeous white canvas, waiting to be painted, waiting to be a vessel of love and compassion, selflessness and humility. And so often, I have chosen the black paint over all of the other colors offered to me, and I have made a selfish debacle of my time here on earth. I have payed attention to my needs over the needs of others. I have given more thought to “what should I wear to this event? How should I do my hair? How should I do my make up? How much will people like what they see when I enter a room?” instead of “how can I love someone better today? How can I make that person happy to be alive? How can I be more like Jesus? How much will my life have made a difference once I am gone?”.

Guys, I am a messed up sinner. I need Jesus so bad. I need grace so bad.

Fortunately, in all of my ugliness, my self glorification, my ever present need to fulfill my hearts strongest desires, He still loves me. Just as I am. How crazy cool is that? I can’t wrap my little brain around it.

You guys.. grace is amazing.

So. As I go about the rest of this week, I will try to absorb His grace and reflect His mercy. I will pray for a humble heart, instead of how I am going to make ends meet. I will pray for ways to love others better, instead of ways to love myself better.

I will walk in His grace. I hope you will too.

{Day 182}

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